Friday 14 February 2014

VALENTINE'S DAY featuring EXCLUSIVE tips from TV's Bryan Cranston of Breaking Bad fame.

Welcome to Valentine's Day on Hoard World - the only blog that is 99.1% pure...ROMANCE.

Last year, that jerk Hoardax gave you the Top 5 Valentine's Day Tips of All Time.

Well, I'm here to tell you - his romance was inferior.

This is the new shizz.

Let's cook.

1. Don't force it.

Trap Jaw thinks he's doing She-Ra's horsey Swiftwind a solid, by introducing him to Petunia Delford, the lovely pony.


Swiftwind only dates other Unicorn-Pegasi that can talk.

Had Trap Jaw done his blind date research, he would have known this.

Rule number one for any date on Valentine's Day is never force a situation out of sheer desperation or because you fancy yourself as a modern day Alicia Silverstone-esque Matchmaker.

Just because you think they're both horsies, doesn't mean it'll be an instant love connection.

2. Never "Fist Bump Hello" on a first date. Ever.

We already know that Leech sucks, but he sucked even harder the day he took Octavia to Chuck E. Cheese's and began shenanigans with the most awkward Fist Bump of all time.

For starters, Leech can't even do a Fist Bump properly. For seconders, he was way too enthusiastic about it. Just look at Octavia's face. She wishes she was anywhere else right now.

Just say NO to Fist Bump Hellos.

Bonus Tip: Leech also insisted they go Dutch and then paid for his share with coupons. Don't ever do that.

3. Consistency is important.

This time last year Michaelangelo gave Wonder Woman a heart-shaped present.

It was chocolates in a heart-shaped box. They were nummies.

This year, Mikey gave her a hugging heart pillow from IKEA.

If those two lovebirds make it to a third year, a heart-shaped present will have become a tradition.

That's totes romantic, bro.

4. Home-made presents can come across as extra thoughtful.

I'm not talking about a piece of wood with a painted-on smiley face and nails haphazardly hammered into it; unless your partner loves that the best, in which case...fine.

But when you've been Valentining for a while, the same ol' mass-marketed rubbish, chocolates or flowers can get a bit old hat.

Don't be old hat. BE NEW HAT!

Bring your lover their greatest enemy's head on a spear if you have to!

These two Predators are so in loves right now. It's sickening.

Picture inspired by Amanda Penrose's masterpiece here.

5. Having a romantic date night at home may be an oldie, but it's still a goodie.

I know I just said to be NEW HAT in the last tip, but forget everything you've learned so far my friend.

Sometimes things are popular because they're good. Sometimes it's enough to just cuddle up with your loved one, heat up some popcorn and watch The Notebook together on the couch (Skeletor's choice FYI, Evil-lyn wanted to watch Salute of the Jugger).


And for those of you, who aren't celebrating, don't forget it's also PALentine's Day.

yr pal,


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